Penis mightier than the sword. What a funny Velociraptor

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Clash of the Titans

By: Heartjack

In a Galaxy long ago and far away one bounty hunter faces the thunder lizard in a dual to the death.

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The VelociRaptor Comes

Velocisitters

Things That Pissed Me Off Today. Episode I

In no particular order.

1. I had to go back to work after 7 weeks holidays.
   
   
2. Had a PD Training session on exactly the same shit I had to do last year. The highlight of the day was watching two, poor quality YouTube videos, both of which I had seen years earlier. One of the videos claimed that My Space had over 200 million users - it was that old.
   
   
3. I was forced to sit through a poorly designed PowerPoint presentation which contained "Lime Green" titles in Comic Sans font with a body text a mixture of Times New Roman and Helvetica.
   
   
4. It was a lovely day today. Sunny, but not too hot, a light breeze and birds were out making the most of it. That didn't piss me off. Sitting in a room facing big windows while listening to bullshit and looking out on a lovely day, thinking about my brand new PS3 at home did.
   
   
5. The title "Intercultural Awareness Iceberg." WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? It's almost like... I don't know. We had to draw on a picture of an iceberg and place some shit where we thought it belonged for some reason or other. I didn't perform this task. Instead I drew on a Post-It note a cartoon of a Velociraptor saying "RAWR" at a Brontosaur instead. I couldn't find it when I came back from a break. *Sigh*
   
   
6. My mum lives in Townsville, Queensland. There is a Catergory 5 cyclone on it's way there. I called and texted her. No reply. My sister lives in nearby Townsville. She texted back saying she was OK and in Adelaide with her baby daughter. My brother in law was staying behind, but was on his way to a shelter. I got home and called and texted mum again. No reply. I texted my sister to see if she knew where mum was. Mum's in New Zealand. On a Boat Cruise.

Great Moments in Pedantry: How "Jurassic Park" got Velociraptors wrong

by Maggie Koerth-Baker at 8:01 AM Tuesday, Jan 25, 2011

Pictured: A mistake.

The dinosaur called "Velociraptor" in the 1993 Jurassic Park movie was not actually a Velociraptor at all. They are much smaller, probably half the height of what you see in the film. If anything, that's a Deinonychus terrorizing everybody.

Depending on your particular sphere of geekery, this is either shocking news, or something you heard years ago and are sick of people complaining about. I'm closer to the latter, and I'd always assumed that the error was a simple case of Hollywood wanting a more impressive-looking monster. Not so, according to a 2008 article by dino-blogger extraordinaire Brian Switek. I saw this piece in a discussion on Twitter this morning, and was genuinely surprised to learn that the great Velociraptor/Deinonychus switcheroo had its origins in taxonomic confusion—similar, in some ways, to the debate currently going on with Triceratops and Torosaurus.

Discovered and described by Yale paleontologist John Ostrom in the 1960s, Deinonychus had a large sickle-claw on each foot, long arms with grasping hands, and a stiffened tail that would have helped the animal keep its balance as it ran after prey. The genus changed how people thought about dinosaurs, suggesting that they were much more active and dynamic than had been supposed previously.
This new view of dinosaurs, in part, inspired the 1988 book Predatory Dinosaurs of the World by paleo-artist Gregory S. Paul. Not only was the volume chock-full of illustrations of feathered dinosaurs, but it also attempted to revise some dinosaur taxonomy. Paul noted the similarities between the skeletons of the Velociraptor from Mongolia and the Deinonychus skeletons from North America. They were so similar, in fact, that he decided to group the Deinonychus fossils under the name Velociraptor, as the older name took precedence according to the rules by which organisms are named.
Paleontologists did not agree with this change--Velociraptor was kept distinct from Deinonychus--but Paul's book was a hit with the general public. And one of the people who read the book was author Michael Crichton.

Finally, given that this is a Great Moments in Pedantry post, it would be remiss for me not to point out that, whether you're talking about Velociraptor or Deinonychus, a proper illustration should probably include feathers.

Smithsonian Dinosaur Tracking blog: You say "Velociraptor", I say "Deinonychus"

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Twilight Saga V: Attack of the Velociraptors

Is Your Home Safe From a Velociraptor Attack?

The big question is: How can you protect yourself against a pack of hungry Velociraptors? Fortunately, I have the answers you’ve been looking for. The threat of a pack of Velociraptors attacking is much like the threat of a zombie apocalypse in that it is always looming over our heads. Cloning technology could be perfected today. Tomorrow could see the first dinosaurs brought to life. Do you know what that means? Yes. Velociraptors could strike as soon as the day after tomorrow!

The good news is that you can be prepared for them. Velociraptors are fast, deadly and attack in numbers. You can’t outrun them and to gun them down takes more skill than the average person has. Getting in close is a recipe for immediate death. So the big question is: How can you protect yourself against a pack of hungry Velociraptors? Fortunately, I have the answers you’ve been looking for. My many years of study has resulted in finding the best defence in all situations against a Velociraptor pack. This article focuses mainly on your home. The fact is that the safest place for you in the case of a Velociraptor attack is inside and your home is a place you can get in and out of easily at any time. But, just how secure is your home? We’ll take a look at the ways you can be safe.

Windows

Velociraptors often choose to use windows to enter a building. Glass is fragile and one Velociraptor is all it takes to jump through and shatter your windows. This means that having a lot of windows, especially large ones, is high risk to you and your family. Sliding glass doors are just as high risk as they are easily broken through. Whenever possible, build your house with fewer windows and make them smaller so they can’t fit through. Bulletproof glass is an obvious solution but it can be very expensive and the technology does not allow for true resistance to the full mass and velocity of a jumping raptor pack. A better option is the use of metal bars over the window. They may be unsightly but it’s the price you pay for safety. Bars are also cheaper and more effective than bulletproof glass.

Doors

It is a well-known fact that Velociraptors are intelligent creatures that can open doors. It is impossible to completely remove doors from your house so you have to consider what kind of doors you have. First of all the best choice is a metal door with a thick metal frame. Velociraptors have been known to break down the cheap wood often used in doors. Secondly, choosing the doorknob is important. Opt for a spherical or circular doorknob instead of a handle. Velociraptors lack the thumbs needed to operate the former but can easily open a door using the latter.

Locks are also important. Chains are a bad choice. An even worse choice is few or no locks. Make sure you have several different, sturdy locks that use a bolt mechanism. Keep them locked whenever you are inside. Remember: The Velociraptors could strike as soon as the day after tomorrow!

Stairs

Velociraptors are able to use stairs and with a relatively small turning circle, there are no designs on the market that are safe against Velociraptors climbing them. Stairs do suggest another option. Building a house with a second story creates a high level of safety for you and your family. Using the above advice, properly seal your second story with a door at the top of the stairs. There should only be one staircase in your house leading to the second story so you can seal off your safer level at once. Also, enclose the staircase so they cannot jump at the door. A Velociraptor is at it’s most dangerous when it is able to run or jump. A narrow staircase with a low ceiling will limit their movements. The advantages are that should Velociraptors get into your house, they can only get into the first level and no higher. Velociraptors can jump high but not high enough to breach the second level of most houses. Even larger windows are relatively safe on the second level. When the Velociraptors attack, you should seal off the first story of your house and immediately move your family to the safer second story to wait it out.

Helipads

Eventually you will need to escape from your home, no matter how well defended it is. A low risk home means you can wait out the Velociraptor attack comfortably for longer periods of time. However, you will need to escape and for that you need a helipad you can reach. The best choice for this is to build your house with a flat, concrete roof and mark it with white paint and electric lights. This will guide the helicopters to you. The helipad should be reachable from the second story of your house only and not from either outside or the first level.

As of yet there is no evidence to suggest that Velociraptors can pilot helicopters. However, you should still make sure your helipad door is sealed appropriately in case of U.S.J.E (Unexpected Spontaneous Jurassic Evolution). You don’t want to be caught off guard in the event of Velociraptors evolving helicopter piloting skills. Or, god forbid, evolving wings.

By following this guide, you will soon find your home is a comfortable fortress to protect you against even the most severe Velociraptor attack. Also, read this article for more advice on protecting yourself against the threat of a Velociraptor attack. However, in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse or Alien invasion, you should consult the right professionals.

Flossoraptor

Consequences & Philoceraptor